You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence .
Dernières blagues
Loading...Copains d’école
Un petit garçon se plaint à ses copains d’école :
– Quel radin, ce Père Noël ! Au lieu des cadeaux, il a déposé, sous le sapin, la boîte de chocolat que mes parents planquaient dans leur armoire !
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first mathematician orders a beer
The second orders half a beer
« I don’t serve half-beers » the bartender replies
« Excuse me? » Asks mathematician #2
« What kind of bar serves half-beers? » The bartender remarks. « That’s ridiculous. »
« Oh c’mon » says mathematician #1 « do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along »
« There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn’t serve you half a beer even if I wanted to. »
« But that’s not a problem » mathematician #3 chimes in « at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function- »
« I know how limits work » interjects the bartender
« Oh, alright then. I didn’t want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics »
« Are you kidding me? » The bartender replies, « you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics? »
« HE’S ON TO US » mathematician #1 screeches
Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.
The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. « FOOLS » it booms in unison, « I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA »
The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. « But wait » he inturrupts, thinking fast, « if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers! »
The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. « My God, you’re right. We didn’t think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS! » and with that, they vanish.
A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. « How did you know that that would work? »
« It’s simple really » the bartender says. « I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative. »
Une grand mère
Une grand mère va consoler un petit garçon qui pleure et elle lui dit :
– Pourquoi tu pleures? Ca rend très laid de pleurer !
Le petit garçon répond:
– Vous avez du beaucoup pleurer dans votre vie alors !
Deuxième bébé
Une maman vient d’avoir un deuxième bébé. La nuit il se met à pleurer. La maman se lève alors et dit:
– Il va falloir que j’aille le changer.
Le petit frère, entendant cela, s’adresse alors à la maman:
– Ho oui, change-le et prends-en un autre qui pleure moins !
– Maman, il y a quelqu’un à la porte qui fait une collecte pour la maison de retraite. Je peux lui donner grand-mère?
Vert
Qu’est-ce qui est vert et que lorsque l’on appuie sur un bouton devient rouge ?
Une grenouille dans un mixeur.
Un coq
Un coq attend sa femme à la maternité :
– Est-ce que mon bébé poussin est né ?
– Heu, il y a eu un léger accident vous êtes père d’une omelette!
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says « I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day. »
The professor says « I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read? » so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says « I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This’ll be a breeze » so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says « I’ll be an artist » so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says « I got a masters degree in art. »
Edit: Thank you for the silver, gold, and platinum!