Blagues en Anglais

#12069 - A man walks into a bar…

The bartender asks « Why the long face? »

The man replies « I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I’ve decided I’m going to drink myself to death. »

The bartender looks shocked and says « I’m sorry I can’t help you kill yourself. »

The man asks « Well what would you do in my situation? »

The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says « If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn’t sit around feeling sorry for myself, I’d kill the guy. »

The man jumps up from his stool and shouts « That’s a great idea! Thanks! » and runs out of the bar.

A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.

« Did you kill the guy? » The bartender asks nervously.

« Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please. »

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Score : +4

#12089 - Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well…until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones…and picked the worst possible one to start with.

Here’s the joke I told:

« What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw your washing (laundry if you’re American) in. »

One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago.

Obviously I felt mortified as I didn’t know about it, and said « I’m so sorry to hear that. Did he drown? »

« No, » replied the guy. « He choked on a sock. »

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Score : +2

#12093 - A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.

A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day.

The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter.

Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong.

The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb.

“Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.”

“Ah, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk.

“But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.”

“But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk. “You see, reposting is the best way to get karma.”

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Score : +2

#12065 - Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: « There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!

Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..

Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..

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Score : +1

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