Blagues en Anglais

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: « There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!

Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..

Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..

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Score : +21

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution « this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before ».

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he’s about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly « mmm…that was some good lion meat! ».

The lion abruptly stops and says  » woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can ».

Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily « get on my back, we’ll get him together ».

So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts « where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago… »

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Score : +10

Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well…until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones…and picked the worst possible one to start with.

Here’s the joke I told:

« What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw your washing (laundry if you’re American) in. »

One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago.

Obviously I felt mortified as I didn’t know about it, and said « I’m so sorry to hear that. Did he drown? »

« No, » replied the guy. « He choked on a sock. »

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Score : +6

A man walks into a bar…

The bartender asks « Why the long face? »

The man replies « I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I’ve decided I’m going to drink myself to death. »

The bartender looks shocked and says « I’m sorry I can’t help you kill yourself. »

The man asks « Well what would you do in my situation? »

The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says « If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn’t sit around feeling sorry for myself, I’d kill the guy. »

The man jumps up from his stool and shouts « That’s a great idea! Thanks! » and runs out of the bar.

A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.

« Did you kill the guy? » The bartender asks nervously.

« Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please. »

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Score : +3

Blagues en Anglais

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