Blagues en Anglais

Please don’t. She’s out of town on business until Tuesday.

One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

Elongate would be really drawn out.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that musicians had theorized must exist… yet no one before Sam had ever reached one.

And on Sam’s 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note…

And the next year on Sam’s birthday, the town had realized there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery’s nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam’s notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings.

And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter… until, that is, Sam’s 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal… until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful… it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there.

Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam.

The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief.

The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. « What happened? » he asked, exasperated.

The old monk shook his head sadly. « Isn’t it obvious? » he said. « Sam sung Note 7. »

I said no. I can’t deal with high maintenance women

Because Ubisoft is in France.

The man says, « Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”

The guy replies, « Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”

The man says back, « That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?”

The guy says, « No. They’re all at the funeral. »

The fairy says « I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day. »

The professor says « I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read? » so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.

The C.E.O says « I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This’ll be a breeze » so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.

The janitor says « I’ll be an artist » so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.

The janitor says « I got a masters degree in art. »

Edit: Thank you for the silver, gold, and platinum!

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says « I’ve been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend’s house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean »

Clerk: « How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here’s a pack. » The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: « you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I’ll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky. »

Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn’t say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: « if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn’t have invited you. » the young man replies « if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn’t have come. »