I lost Interest in that relationship.
Blagues en Anglais
Loading...A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, « Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”
The guy replies, « Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”
The man says back, « That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?”
The guy says, « No. They’re all at the funeral. »
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says « I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day. »
The professor says « I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read? » so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says « I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This’ll be a breeze » so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says « I’ll be an artist » so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says « I got a masters degree in art. »
Edit: Thank you for the silver, gold, and platinum!
Christmas joke (NSFW)
A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says « I’ve been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend’s house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean »
Clerk: « How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here’s a pack. » The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: « you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I’ll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky. »
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn’t say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: « if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn’t have invited you. » the young man replies « if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn’t have come. »
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said, « Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights ».
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first mathematician orders a beer
The second orders half a beer
« I don’t serve half-beers » the bartender replies
« Excuse me? » Asks mathematician #2
« What kind of bar serves half-beers? » The bartender remarks. « That’s ridiculous. »
« Oh c’mon » says mathematician #1 « do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along »
« There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn’t serve you half a beer even if I wanted to. »
« But that’s not a problem » mathematician #3 chimes in « at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function- »
« I know how limits work » interjects the bartender
« Oh, alright then. I didn’t want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics »
« Are you kidding me? » The bartender replies, « you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics? »
« HE’S ON TO US » mathematician #1 screeches
Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.
The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. « FOOLS » it booms in unison, « I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA »
The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. « But wait » he inturrupts, thinking fast, « if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers! »
The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. « My God, you’re right. We didn’t think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS! » and with that, they vanish.
A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. « How did you know that that would work? »
« It’s simple really » the bartender says. « I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative. »
If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks…
Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence .