Blagues en Anglais

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

« I don’t serve half-beers » the bartender replies

« Excuse me? » Asks mathematician #2

« What kind of bar serves half-beers? » The bartender remarks. « That’s ridiculous. »

« Oh c’mon » says mathematician #1 « do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along »

« There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn’t serve you half a beer even if I wanted to. »

« But that’s not a problem » mathematician #3 chimes in « at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function- »

« I know how limits work » interjects the bartender

« Oh, alright then. I didn’t want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics »

« Are you kidding me? » The bartender replies, « you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics? »

« HE’S ON TO US » mathematician #1 screeches

Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.

The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. « FOOLS » it booms in unison, « I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA »

The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. « But wait » he inturrupts, thinking fast, « if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers! »

The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. « My God, you’re right. We didn’t think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS! » and with that, they vanish.

A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. « How did you know that that would work? »

« It’s simple really » the bartender says. « I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative. »

Vote DownVote Up
J'ai ri : -1
Loading...

Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

…after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

« You see,  » Carl says « for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it’s components. » Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.

Carl continues: « For the last five years, I’ve been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It’s perfect, because the guards just think it’s rats chewing on it. »

So Jim asks, « Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help? »

Carl says « Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we’ll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers. »

Jim, disgusted, says « You have got to be kidding me! »

And Carl says « I shit. You knot. »

Vote DownVote Up
J'ai ri : -1
Loading...