Blagues en Anglais

…after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

« You see,  » Carl says « for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it’s components. » Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.

Carl continues: « For the last five years, I’ve been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It’s perfect, because the guards just think it’s rats chewing on it. »

So Jim asks, « Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help? »

Carl says « Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we’ll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers. »

Jim, disgusted, says « You have got to be kidding me! »

And Carl says « I shit. You knot. »

Midlife crisis

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. « Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don’t allow smoking in here. You’ll have to step outside to smoke. »

So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.

The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. « Hey you two! » he shouts. « Stop making spectacles of yourselves! »