Toutes les meilleures blagues au même endroit !
The man says, « Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”
The guy replies, « Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”
The man says back, « That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?”
The guy says, « No. They’re all at the funeral. »
The fairy says « I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day. »
The professor says « I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read? » so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says « I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This’ll be a breeze » so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says « I’ll be an artist » so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says « I got a masters degree in art. »
Edit: Thank you for the silver, gold, and platinum!
A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says « I’ve been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend’s house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean »
Clerk: « How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here’s a pack. » The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: « you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I’ll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky. »
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn’t say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: « if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn’t have invited you. » the young man replies « if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn’t have come. »
She said, « Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights ».
The first mathematician orders a beer
The second orders half a beer
« I don’t serve half-beers » the bartender replies
« Excuse me? » Asks mathematician #2
« What kind of bar serves half-beers? » The bartender remarks. « That’s ridiculous. »
« Oh c’mon » says mathematician #1 « do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along »
« There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn’t serve you half a beer even if I wanted to. »
« But that’s not a problem » mathematician #3 chimes in « at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function- »
« I know how limits work » interjects the bartender
« Oh, alright then. I didn’t want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics »
« Are you kidding me? » The bartender replies, « you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics? »
« HE’S ON TO US » mathematician #1 screeches
Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.
The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. « FOOLS » it booms in unison, « I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA »
The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. « But wait » he inturrupts, thinking fast, « if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers! »
The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. « My God, you’re right. We didn’t think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS! » and with that, they vanish.
A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. « How did you know that that would work? »
« It’s simple really » the bartender says. « I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative. »
Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence .
…after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.
« You see, » Carl says « for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it’s components. » Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.
Carl continues: « For the last five years, I’ve been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It’s perfect, because the guards just think it’s rats chewing on it. »
So Jim asks, « Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help? »
Carl says « Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we’ll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers. »
Jim, disgusted, says « You have got to be kidding me! »
And Carl says « I shit. You knot. »
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